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Monday
Feb012010
Date2. 1. 2010

return to joy

It's a funny thing, that when you are feeling bad inside, you can lose that connection to what you enjoy most. When you lose a sense of joy in your life, you lose your passion for creating. My most basic instinct is to cook; I feel complete, confident, satisfied, happy, and needed, when I cook. But now, I am feeling uneasy in my life - it is hanging off my shoulders like someone else's coat - and for awhile cooking seemed nothing more than an effort. Akin to getting out of bed and getting dressed when you feel sick. Or walking the dog on a gray and rainy day. So, in January I started getting lazy with my food. I would rather sit at my laptop and re-watch Top Chef while eating whatever, than cook for myself. Let's face it, cooking for yourself all the time can start to drag after awhile. You end up in a sad little party of one, talking to yourself, like Mr. Flood:

"Well, Mr. Flood, we have not met like this
In a long time; and many a change has come
To both of us, I fear, since last it was
We had a drop together. Welcome home!"

Convivially returning with himself,
Again he raised the jug up to the light;
And with an acquiescent quaver said:
"Well, Mr. Flood, if you insist, I might."

Knowing my love for cooking, I had a hard time figuring out why I'd settled for cucumber slices or crackers and cheese, a bowl of fruit, or a bag of pretzels. I wasn't cooking. I thought, "Meh."

Part of it, I guess, is winter....months of below-freezing, miserable weather that makes you want to hide until the sun comes out again. Eat chocolate and hibernate and tell me when it's over. Most of it, though, was not having anyone to cook for. With family and friends (my most appreciative customers) far away, going into the kitchen to cook is comparable to opening an empty restaurant every day.

Well, there it is. Feeding people makes me feel needed. When people aren't there to need you, it's hard to remember what you need yourself. It is easy to get lost. Luckily the food blogging world and inspirational chefs provided me with a trail of brioche crumbs to follow home.

Even though we are still in the deep throes of winter, the snow sliding off of the roof, under the reluctant sun, makes me feel hopeful.

This is a new month. I'm taking my cooking life back. Today, I went to the market and felt that joy again, of being excited about ingredients, of being inspired, of admiration for clumps of dirt on the stacked vegetables that assert freshness. I set a pot on the stove and went to take a shower in a sunny bathroom. The apartment was filled with the lovely aroma of slow-cooking white beans, with fruity olive oil, garlic, and sage, by 11 a.m.

So I guess the message is this : You can be there, or not, but I will be there...there is always space at my table, a friendly ear, a glass of wine, and measureless love that has made you something good to eat.  It doesn't matter if that makes me simple. I'm getting Maria back. Not uncertain Maria. Maria that cooks, the one that feels happy and confident when I spill my market treasures onto the table, when my hands and my heart know exactly. exactly. what I should be doing.

Tuscan White Beans

Makes a bunch

I put some aside for a few meals, to mix into cold salads or reheat as a side dish for any protein. I jar the rest with their liquid and boil the jars, the way you would with jam. You can store them in the fridge for a few weeks.

Ingredients

1 lb. dried medium-sized white beans;
4 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil;
2 cloves garlic, crushed;
4–5 fresh sage leaves;
10 red and white peppercorns;
Salt and freshly ground black pepper;
2 stalks celery, chopped;
sea salt

Method

Sort through beans for things that aren't beans, and rinse them under cold water. Put beans in a large bowl and cover with cold water. Soak overnight.

Drain the beans and put them in a pot with 12 cups cold water, the olive oil, garlic, sage, chopped celery, and peppercorns. Cover and simmer over medium heat for about an hour. Season with salt, reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer gently for another 1 to 2 hours, stirring occasionally until beans are soft.

Once the beans are cooked, allow them to cool in the liquid. This will take another hour or so. When you serve them, season them again with salt and pepper and drizzle them with a little olive oil.

Uses for white beans

Toss them into a warm salad, like Sauteed Greens with Wild Mushrooms and Tuscan White Beans.


White Beans

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Reader Comments (15)

How about starting a flickr cooking club? I am soooo game.

February 14 | Unregistered Commenterilse

Flickr munich cooking club?!

February 14 | Registered CommenterMaria

yes - I think I have two takers so far through my blog. Would you like it?

February 14 | Unregistered Commenterilse

I like your resolve to take yourself back, rock on Maria, rock on.

The beans look very good, the mushrooms look so perfectly tender.

February 15 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Thanks Chris, for the support and the comment.

And Ilse, what did you have in mind?

February 18 | Registered CommenterMaria

not sure yet - maybe meet regularly, like once a month, with 3 or 4 people and cook for each other, and share "making of" and other culinary details.

February 22 | Unregistered Commenterilse

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